I want a lot of things right now that seem and feel out of reach. Besides wanting world peace and equality for all, altruistic and lofty sentiments many claim to pursue, however, no less important of wishes, I also want a few things from my life. These things I want vary in size, color, intention and magnitude, yet are all attainable in one form or another. They represent, what some might call, the pursuit of happiness. As in, if I pursue them, and attain them, I will achieve happiness.
Of course, you could argue that if I were truly happy, I’d be happy with what I have and where I am now, with no additional achievements or changes. Happiness comes from within. Happiness is sourced from the soul. Happiness is what you make of it. Happiness is where the heart is.
But I know deep down that, even though I am the source of my own happiness and that I should be happy with what I have right now, this very minute, a few aspirations and goals never hurt anyone. And achieving these goals will get me one step closer to something. What that is, who knows.
So what is it I want, you ask? Well, besides the canned beauty queen and politician’s answer, I would like the following, in no particular order, at least in the near future-ish.
First, I’d like to achieve some work-life balance. I’d like to feel that the time I spend at work is worthwhile, the money I make there will support what I want to do with my life and that the things I spend my life doing are giving me value in a way that can’t be quantified. This is probably one of the most sought-after goals for most working stiffs, and especially cubicle-bound computer jockeys. It would be great to feel really passionate about the work I do each day. I get general satisfaction, but sometimes I long for that burning fire of inspiration to be there each and every day as I toil through my to-do list. I don’t know how that will be achieved necessarily. I’ve toyed with side projects and volunteering in areas that I hope will fulfill me. Not having a clear idea of what this all means in tangible, real goals makes this a difficult goal to complete.
I think first off I need to find some side projects that make me excited that I can devote some time to. I know, I know, you’re probably thinking, “Aren’t you busy enough already? Don’t you run yourself into the ground with all that you do? How would you find time?” These are valid questions, and I can say that in part, I probably waste a lot of time on unnecessary tasks. Things I think fulfill me but don’t. Such as Twitter (chat with me @katemhamilton)—I enjoy Twitter immensely, but at the end of the day, I sometimes wonder if all that I put into Twitter gives me something back.
Some side projects that may fuel this inspirational outlet I’m longing for might be volunteering or doing more writing. Something definitely with a creative edge would be good. Of course, I have to seriously consider how much time I could devote to all of this extra stuff. Again, the idea hasn’t fully formulated in my head.
All of this will hopefully make me feel like my “work” is valuable on a bigger level. Hopefully, that circles back to my career and guides me to new opportunities and better horizons.
My next goal is to focus more on creating a positive outlet for my creative self. This sort of relates to the work-balance goal, but more on a personal level rather than guiding any professional development or aspirations. I just need to get back to crafting, whether that’s my words or knitted garments or whatever else. I feel in the last year or so, I have let my blog turn into less of writing vehicle and more of a showcase of photos and less text. I don’t have a problem with that necessarily; I like journaling what I’m up to and pictures are a great way to do that. However, I want to get back to longer prose that challenges me as a writer and makes me think as a person. I think some ideas I have for the blog in the near future will help inspire more writing and creativity. As for crafting and knitting, I just need to carve out some time to dedicate to it. It’s no joke that one of my desires (that I display on the right rail of this blog routinely) is to have more hours in each day. There is simply not enough time for me to accomplish everything in a single 24-hour stretch.
Which leads me to my next goal: more time to spend with the people and hobbies I love. I’m not really sure how I’ll spend more time with people when I’m adding “side projects” and more crafting but at least the “hobbies I love” part of the goal will be achieved. I just want to feel like I’m spending my non-work hours in a valid, constructive and fulfilling manner. This is probably because I’m constantly trying to ascend as a person into something greater than I am. It’s kind of exhausting, but it’s part of my psyche. I’ve always kind of been that way. Maybe another way I should look at time spent though, would be to appreciate the time spent in the first place, thus getting more value out of it, rather than trying to squeeze even more out my already packed schedule and life.
With all of this betterment, it would be a poor choice not to focus on a better wellness and fitness regimen. This regimen wouldn’t just benefit my body, but also my mind and soul. I’ve been feeling really scattered, and stretched thin. Remember the part in The Lord of the Rings where Bilbo Baggins says he’s getting old?
I’m old, Gandalf. I know I don’t look it, but I’m beginning to feel it in my heart. I feel … thin. Sort of stretched, like … butter scraped over too much bread. I need a holiday. A very long holiday.
I’ve been feeling a little like that. Actually, I probably feel like that at a minimal level most of the time. But I’ve been feeling it a lot lately. And it is very unsettling (thus the partial name of this blog entry). I’m hoping with getting into a fitness routine (aka the running) and adding yoga (I’m supposed to on Sundays … ) and trying out meditation (I keep meaning to, I swear), maybe I’ll start to feel more in focus again. Maybe. I’m hoping by blogging a little, and getting back into it more regularly, that will help resolve some of this unsettling feeling too. I have so many writing ideas and so many things I want to say. If I can get them out, get them written down, then maybe—maybe—I’ll achieve some feeling of resolution. I’ll withhold judgment until the end on this one though.
And lastly, and probably the most materialistic of goals and wants, is to get a bigger place. Don’t get me wrong: I love my place. It’s cute and it suits my belongings and my building neighbors are nice. My neighborhood is less so, including some of the folks I share an alley with, with their late-night volleyball games and amateur car mechanic hobbies. (Have I mentioned yet that they were outside making a lot of noise until at least 3 am Sunday night? Yeah, go to bed!) I want a second bedroom, not only to use as a spare room for guests, but also to use as my office, fitness room and craft room. I have BIG dreams for that room. I’d like a patio. However, I don’t want to give up the space I have (especially my storage space and yard for barbecues and parties). I’d also like to be closer to the El and maybe away from loud, disrespectful neighbors. This goal probably can’t be achieved unless the work-life balance goal shifts or changes, but a Luka can dream, right?
So those are some goals, and those are some reasons why I feel unsettled and unresolved. Hopefully that deep-seated feeling will nudge me to figure out what I’m really looking for, and result in some of these goals being crossed off the list. Until then, I’ll continue blogging about my daily escapades and trouble making, and I hope you continue to read. I don’t get a lot of comments, so feel free to comment away on any of my ramblings. Meet you back here some time tomorrow?
since Jan. 1, 2011
